Veneer

Life changed after brain surgeries and deafness.

Higher anxiety but also, strange calmness.

The fluctuation is wild. It confuses the hell out of me at times.

Today I woke with a thundering heart. Full of trepidation and fear. Anxiety galloping down the street and standing firmly on my chest. Sparks of terror igniting the air.

This evening I sit on the porch and relish the stillness and the warmth of a lived-in day. I smile against the warm breeze. I savour the scent of wattle that accompanies it.

Today was not productive. Not by my scale.

I still ticked things off, but it felt insignificant, in the grand scheme of things. All the small tasks done. The big, tricky, wobbly ones are still sitting patiently for my attention.

I try really hard but sometimes I feel like I’m waging a war in quicksand.

No sudden movements, or I’ll sink. My mind has to be coaxed and soothed into the correct area, or the alarms go off and shutdown begins.

A sensitivity has settled on me that comes from being exposed. Like when you lose a nail and the skin is raw and alien-like. Flinching at a touch.

That’s me now. My natural state when I don’t put on my armour.

A lot of people assume the armour is my true form. Resilient. Confident. Adventurous.

Perhaps it looks good on me? But it costs a lot to wear and gets heavier the longer it’s on.

Sometimes I don’t have the spoons.